We have some big decisions on the horizon in our family right now. First of all, I need to tell you about this great book that Thomas Ricks wrote called
Making of the Corps.
I love it when a book makes you genuinely think, or even better makes you question your beliefs. It’s a non-fiction book based in the early nineties that follows a platoon of young men through basic training at Paris Island (the East Coast brother to MCRD in San Diego) and beyond.
One of the major themes that continually returned centered on the relationships the young men had with their fathers. The gamut ranged from young men who had fathers who were VERY involved and controlling to no fathers whatsoever.
Of course, this hit home to our situation, as Cody is a young man who has complicated father-son relationship issues. His biological dad doesn’t have anything to do with him, so basically he deals with abandonment issues there.
Then his step-dad (my ex-husband) actually adopted him when he was five-years-old. They have a strained relationship because this dad favors his biological son (Cody’s brother, Jordan), which affects Cody in an entirely different way.
I moved up here, now almost five years ago, so much of Cody’s teenage life was without a dad really directly involved. He did have Rick, but that was an entirely different set of issues, dealing with step-parenting and whatnot.
Once Cody graduated from boot camp, he did come home and tell Rick how much he loved and admired him for never giving up on Cody. But, Cody just now accepts that, and did not when he was in the midst of growing up.
Now, Cody has the Marine Corps and the brotherhood that offers, as well as the sense of identity and a father figure connection in his superiors (especially the Daddy Drill Instructor from boot camp).
Cody and I have had some incredible conversations, especially in the past three months, so those coupled with reading this book, I realized that I need to face some tough decisions right now about my youngest son, Jordan.
Jordie is a tenth grader, and unlike Cody, he has a strong connection to his biological dad, but doesn’t really spend lots of time with him. Some of this is his choice; some of it is his dad’s really.
Jordie is busy with school, sports, and friends, and so it is often difficult for him to leave his life here to go and stay with his dad. Also, his dad does not come here very often, just for an occasional game or two.
But, now I see that he really needs his dad time. He does have a relationship with Rick, a somewhat complicated one mostly because they came together when Jordie was 11 years old (much different than the relationship I have with my step-daughter). I have even watched Jordie be angry with Rick for no reason, and then I realize that it is not about Rick, but that Jordie is missing his dad, which makes Rick an easy target.
Now, I have to make a difficult decision. I have offered for Jordie to live with his dad, if he wants to. You have NO idea how hard that is for me, since my kids are my world!! I feel like the unselfish thing to do is give him the opportunity to spend time with his dad that would allow him to really have the connection that I think he needs.
I know that I will be very involved (much differently than his dad is now). I will go to all of his events, talk to him regularly, communicate with his school, etc. I can see myself just driving down to have lunch with him (something that his dad has never done on this end) or to take him to a movie.
So, in reality, since I will be much more connected than his dad has been, it’s most likely the best choice for Jordie in the long run. But, am I selfish for feeling like my heart will break when he is gone? Jordie told me that he feels much closer to me and doesn’t want to go and make me feel badly or like he doesn’t want to live with me, but that he also wants to be closer to his dad than he is. So, I can see his conflict.
And, here’s the bottom line. The environment at his dad’s is healthy. I don’t worry about Jordan’s safety or well-being. Earlier this year, Jordie was talking about possibly going on a foreign exchange to Norway or Sweden. I was seriously considering that possibility because of the educational and cultural opportunities, so why would this decision be any different? As well, would there even be a question of letting Jordie go live with his dad, if we lived in the same town?
You know I have often appreciated that we don't live in the same town because of all the stuff we have to deal with regarding Rick's ex, but in reality that wouldn't be the same in my situation because I actually get along with my ex!
The other thing to consider is that Jordie never came and asked me to move to his dad's. I am actually the one to suggest it. Now, it's just going to be hard to live with that, only because I will miss him so much. It's the daily stuff I will miss most, and seeing him at school. Shoot, this year I actually have him in two classes!
