Loving Step-Mother: An oxymoron?

Everywhere I turn FAMILY keeps popping up. I have been mulling the topic and wanting to write about it in deeper detail for awhile now. So, I know with all the signs around me…it’s time.

My friend (and former student) Lalis just welcomed her son into this world on Tuesday. I had the delightful opportunity to hold him this morning, such a little bundle of life. It immediately returned me to my senior year, when I first held my son Cody in my arms.

My, hasn’t life been fun since then? I think about the people in my life who have all been a part of raising my children, whether directly or indirectly with their positive influence. I consider my children to be my proudest accomplishments in life, my reason for living.

I know I have made mistakes along the way and will have many more to make, but what really matters is that my heart is completely dedicated to being a mom. I have no doubt that is why I am a teacher, too!

Then last night while we were watching Celebrity Apprentice, I was reminded that many people realize the same things that I do about family. The leader for the male team was Vincent Pastore (Sopranos). His team won $50,000 to go to a charity of his choice. He donated to a cancer research fund on behalf of his daughter’s step-father who had died of pancreatic cancer. He realized the value of this other man who was his daughter’s step-father, and cherished that value by choosing it as his charity. WOW!

I know how he feels, as my ex-husband has a girlfriend who lives with him. I consider her, although not married to my ex, my boys’ step-mom. She is a positive influence on my boys, who love her dearly. I feel lucky that my boys have yet ONE more person in their lives to love, nurture, and support them. I don’t believe you can have too many people love a child. I don’t hold any anger or jealousy towards her, and truly I am happy for my ex-husband to have found love again. Do I LIKE to share my kids with my ex and his girlfriend? NO. Of course, I would like to be selfish and keep them with me all the time. I enjoy being with them, and I love experiencing all that their lives bring about. But, reality is what it is. I divorced their father, and now we share time with the boys. He deserves time with them just as much as I do. He wants it just as much as I want it.

I also am on the other end of the step-parent relationship. I am one. I have the most amazing step-daughter in the world! I have been in her life since she was just over a year old (she will be six in May), and I completely understand how people can genuinely love children that are not biologically their own. I also have two adult step-children, with whom I have good relationships, but different ones. I am much more a friend and supporter of them. Whereas with our little one (Miss S), I have a mother role.

Therein lays the rub. Her bio-mom HATES that I have that role. Truly, she behaves as if she would rather Miss S not have a step-mom at all, which is small-minded and sad. Being a step-mom in this situation…sucks (and, ask my students, I DISLIKE that word, but truly it fits). People don’t parent the same, even husbands and wives that are together disagree on how kids should be raised, but add into the mix a divorce and extra people, and it can be a bit muddled at times.

It’s not a perfect world, and it won’t be. I feel fortunate that I don’t have to deal with two messy situations. Trust me, I have tried to make things work with bio-mom, but that will never happen. She is just too defensive and dishonest. She hasn’t figured out that we live in a small town. When she says one thing to us and then turns around and trashes us to others, she thinks that we don’t hear about it all. Not being able to trust her, means we can never have a positive relationship. That is a sad state of affairs for Miss S. And, the bottom line is that no matter what bio-mom does or says, it won’t change my love for my step-daughter or hers for me.

Family…there is no black and white definition. We are who we are. We love people we are related to, and we don’t. We love people who have no biological connection to us, and that makes us all family, too.